Remembrance ceremony held for infant children
by STACIE DUCE - Ravalli Republic
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Last Sunday, the St. Francis Catholic Church in Hamilton held a special remembrance ceremony for parents who mourn the loss of an infant child.
More than 40 people attended the ceremony administered by Father Jack Darragh - from young couples who lost a child in the last year to women who experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth or death of an infant more than 40 years ago.
“Losing a baby is something you never forget about,” said Jill Deppel, who organized the program. She serves as parish nurse but was also motivated to provide the service because of her own miscarriage 22 years ago.
“I, like many, was told things like ‘It was for the best,’ or ‘God had a reason for this,’ or ‘You’ll have other babies,’” she said. “(But) there remained a hole in my heart and little closure. I needed something and I knew others needed the same healing.” Four years ago, while Deppel was training to become a parish nurse, she learned of the healing power of remembrance programs “and I knew this was something I must do,” she said.
The St. Francis’ Health and Wellness Ministry decided to present the ceremony this year with hopes of making it a biannual event.
The first step in empathy and understanding is education and Deppel encouraged everyone to learn the statistics.
“When fetal death occurs before 20 weeks, it is called a miscarriage,” she said. “Twelve to 25 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. When fetal death occurs after 20 weeks of pregnancy, it is called stillbirth. Stillbirths occur in about 1 in 200 pregnancies. On an average day in the United States, 76 babies die that are less than one year old.”
While each person experiences grief individually, Deppel said it is important to validate the grief experienced following the death of a baby at any stage.
“Death (by miscarriage) is one of the deepest experiences in life, yet often ignored by society in general and even by the faith community; it is uncomfortable and therefore we may not have always given recognition to parents’ bereavement, especially following early miscarriages,” she said. “The old concept was that if we did not talk about the baby, and removed all evidence, parents would quickly forget.
“We now know that before one can ‘let go,’ attachment must be completed. We must acknowledge that these babies have left handprints deep in the parents’ hearts never to be forgotten.”
While planning this memorial, Deppel and her committee were very aware that this service might be the only commemoration that attendees might have experienced to recognize and remember their babies.
“Our service centered on several rituals to assist people in grieving the lost pregnancy, to be able to publicly acknowledge these babies and to begin the healing process,” she said.
The ecumenical service included a naming ceremony, readings and prayers, a candle lighting ceremony and a commendation of the baby to God.
Additionally participants were offered a packet containing a piece of fabric from the ministry’s remembrance quilt and a piece of wildflower seed paper to plant a memorial garden.
At a reception following the May 4 service, many stories were shared by parents of all ages and experiences.
“It was a wonderful bittersweet afternoon as we said ‘hello-goodbye,’ cried and healed together,” she said.
Deppel encouraged grieving parents to realize that it is never too late to memorialize your baby.
“Plant a tree, have an engraved plate mounted somewhere, donate money in your baby’s name,” she said. “And yes, you can still name your baby, even decades after the fact. Don’t let anyone discourage you.”
Reporter Stacie Duce can be reached at 363-3300 or sduce@ravallirepublic.com
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